Sometimes you just have to begin. You just need to start, without getting caught up in your worries or what if’s or analyzing. It’s been a while since I last wrote, and to be honest, I had a hard time getting started. But something in me today, this morning, wanted to come out. And so I just began, and let it come out. Now from where I sit, I feel a need to write as an expression of who I am and as an honoring of some sorts; and a reiteration of the fact that I do matter, and what I think, feel, say, and do, does in fact matter. Writing for me, for now at this point in time, is a way for me to acknowledge, honor, and share the inner workings of my mind, my heart, and my soul. It’s a way to heal, to heal my past, my childhood, and my inner self. And it’s a way to make the intangible tangible.
It feels like it has been so long since I last wrote. Life has been a whirlwind of surprises, synchronicities, celebration, and at times confusion and chaos - but which thus far has been leading me towards quiet breakthroughs and triumphs (so I won’t complain about that). I wanted to get back to writing again, and this time I’m approaching it differently than I have when I first began. Because I'm different. We never are the same as we were when we first begin. And man, have I come a far way - to even say this in a blog is a far way, as it acknowledges something that I am not used to acknowledging, that who I am and what I do is enough, and that I MATTER.
I find it interesting that sometimes we don’t know our deepest inner beliefs until they are mirrored back to us through relationships, situations, or what seems to be outside forces acting on us or to us. I didn’t know that my deepest belief was that other people matter more than I do, and my needs don’t matter. It hurts just typing that. I find it interesting that the shiniest gems and gifts are offered to us daily, and only until we start paying attention to these nuggets can we find the gifts they hold for us.
After sitting with this breakthrough, I am currently honoring the fact that that belief no longer works for me today, and it is okay to step into a new belief - the unknown. Sometimes we feel so comfortable operating on these old belief systems that we don’t want to leave for a new, and better belief, because it’s all we know; it is our “normal” so to speak. We may know what no longer works for us and want a better way of being and yet still be afraid to experience that new way of being because it isn’t comfortable and because it’s not what we’re used to. To start, we only need to be willing to make a change and that is where your bravery and courage will come into play. Have patience with yourself and honor the process. As the deeper set beliefs won’t be a one time shift, but a constant reminder and choosing that we continue to do overtime, until one day we find that we are different and we feel different - Better, lighter, more joyful and free, and more like our truest selves.
It’s funny because the card I pulled today for myself was called “In to me I see” and had to do with intimacy. Intimacy not necessarily in the romantic form, but in the form of taking a nice look at all parts of yourself, the good and the bad, those hidden parts that we glaze over not wanting to initially look at. And when we take a good look at ourselves, exposed and vulnerable with nothing to hide, it is necessary to show gratitude for it all and know that it all serves a purpose.
I’ve been feeling quite raw lately, and tired - an almost energetic tiredness. It may be the collective energy stirring up and all the happenings in the World that I am feeling. One message that has been resonating for me is to take care of myself. It is so important to hold and be and shine your light, without being pulled down by the happenings of the World. But to do so it requires a lot of self-care, self-compassion, rest, and time to refuel. And yes it does take work to do. It takes work to take care of yourself. And sometimes it takes more than one try and a lot of grace and forgiveness in the process of doing so.
One last note: The funny thing about growth is that no one else needs to know it or see it for it to occur. Sometimes the largest leaps and bounds happen in the quietest most intimate moments that we feel within. It happens beneath the surface of what even we see with our physical eyes. And sometimes I question even if this is really taking place, or fail to even notice or see the transformation happening within. However, it seems the Universe has a way of waking you up to these things at just the times you need. Ask for clarity and it will be given, sometimes not in the way we are expecting it to be given, but always with exactly what we need - and sometimes even more. Expectations are a thing of the mind, and can really make us obsessive, controlling, and just downright out of our minds (funny how that is). If you’re looking to let go of the thinking mind, let go of your expectations. During these times it is necessary to be and lead from the heart. And there is a huge call for people to awaken and start leading from the hearts.
Sometimes, my writings feel all over the place, and in this particular blog, a more intimate blog, I wanted to share what has been happening for me lately and what has been coming through to me, and it may pop up in what seem like random thought bubbles. However, my hope is that you find a nugget of truth for yourself through my experiences and my sharing. Or maybe a resonance in what you are experiencing, and within that a knowing that you are not alone. Because I’m right here going through it too. Let’s go through life together and hopefully when more people share it will shine a light on the fact that we are truly all connected.